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The "Other" Gap Holding Women Back
- Logan McKnight
- Oct 26
- 4 min read
Updated: 4 days ago
We've all heard of the "gender pay gap", but rarely do we talk about the "gender feedback gap" and how it affects women's careers.
I watched a VP give her director "feedback" a few years ago.
"Great work on the presentation!" (No notes...)
After the director left, she turned to me: "She completely lost the room after slide three. I guess I'm doing the next one."
I asked the obvious question: "I agree... Will you tell her that?"
Long pause. "Maybe, but I don't want to discourage her... She'll get better once she gets more reps."
I thought: "But didn't you just say you're doing the next one? She won't get better if you don't tell her what she could improve?"
Looking back, I should have SAID that, but the reality? I ALSO didn't want to offend the VP...
Were we both wrong? Probably, but as a woman in med-tech who spent 19 years being told to be "nicer," "softer," "more approachable." I get it... But the reality is her lack of real feedback was only sabotaging her own team... and I reinforced her choice by not bringing it up.
I asked my mentor (also a woman) if I should have said something. She agreed it wasn't my place to comment on how another leader communicates with their team.
So there we were—three grown women, all wanting to be nice to each other. No hurt feelings, no honest conversations, and no one growing because of it.
I don't know why that interaction bothered me, but it does to this day... But it turns out, this wasn't an isolated incident inside one company. It's systemic.
The Research
Women receive 20% less candid, performance-improving feedback than men. Managers report hesitating with women out of fear of seeming mean, triggering emotion, or appearing biased. (LeanIn/McKinsey)
Women's feedback is vague; men get actionable guidance. Women receive more personality-focused feedback while men get outcome-tied, developmental feedback that actually helps them advance. (Harvard Business Review )
The language is measurably different. Across 25,000+ employees, women receive 22% more personality feedback and 30% more exaggerated feedback. Black women receive nearly 9× more non-actionable feedback than white men under 40. (Textio)
Terms like "abrasive," "aggressive," and "emotional" show up far more in women's reviews... even when they display the same behaviors as male peers. (Fast Company)
But here's the part that matters most to leaders (regardless of gender):
Leaders are protecting themselves from discomfort... and calling it "being nice."
The result? Women advance slower. Not because they can't handle tough feedback, but because no one's giving it to them.
Nice Feedback Is Sugar. Tough Feedback Is Protein.
Over 15+ years of leading teams, here's what I learned:
Most "feedback" is just someone trying to be nice. And nice does nothing.
Nice feedback is sugar. 🍭
It's a quick hit of dopamine. Feels good in the moment. Then crashes with no actionable outcome.
"Great job on that presentation!" (Even though they lost the room after slide 3)
Tough, yet kind feedback is protein. 🥩
Done right, it builds that person up. Challenges them to dig deeper. They come out stronger on the other side.
"I know you worked hard on this, but you lost the room after slide 3. Here's why, and here's how to fix it for next time."
The problem? Most people don't want to discourage their team, so they stick with nice/superficial because it's safe and feels good.
The thing is, it's not impactful, and it sure as hell isn't leading someone.
The Women Leader's Trap
As a woman who built teams in med-tech, I understand the trap.
We're socialized to be "nice." To not ruffle feathers. To soften our feedback so we're not seen as "aggressive" or "difficult."
Meanwhile, our male peers give direct feedback and get labeled "strong leaders."
So we say "Great job!" when we mean "That didn't work." And our teams suffer for it.
Because nice isn't helping them. It's protecting us from judgment.
Being a good leader means you need the courage to not care what others think of you.
In the words of the amazing Mel Robbins, "Let Them/Let Me" and embrace this mantra:
"Let them judge me, but let me be the leader they need."
The Framework: Three Questions Before You Give Feedback
Before I give any feedback, I always ask myself:
1. What is my INTENT?
Is this about helping them? Or about you feeling superior?
If you're giving feedback because they don't match YOUR style... that's ego, not leadership.
For women leaders specifically: Are you softening this because it will help them? Or because you're worried about being called "harsh"?
2. Is it ACTIONABLE?
Can they actually DO something about it right now?
🚫 DON'T tell someone their outfit doesn't look professional when they're already at the conference.
✅ DO tell your colleague they have spinach in their teeth before a client meeting.
3. Is it RELEVANT?
Is this about what's happening NOW? Or something from two months ago?
Bringing up old issues doesn't help the person today... It's resentment wearing a professional mask.
The Truth Your Team Needs to Hear
Your team doesn't want sugar. They're HUNGRY for protein.
They want to know when they're off track... WHILE they can still fix it.
They want candor that makes them better, not compliments that make you comfortable.
As women leaders, we've been told our whole careers to "be nicer," "smile more," "don't be so direct."
But your team isn't asking you to be nice. They're asking you to help them win.
And that requires courage... not compliance with outdated expectations.
Before you give feedback, ask:
What do I want the outcome to be from this interaction? (What's my real intention?)
Can they act on this right now? Is it the right setting to bring it up?
Is this relevant to them now, or am I bringing up old stuff that still bothers me?
If you can't answer those clearly, you're not ready to give good feedback.
Nice is easy. Kind takes courage.
Logan McKnight
Logan McKnight is an Executive Advisor and Coach for med-tech leaders. With 20 years of experience building teams in neuromonitoring and medical devices, she helps executives lead without burning out and build leadership teams that create impact.
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